Disclaimer: this blog is a huge generalisation, and is in no way meant to cause offence. I love Germany and the German people.
1. Buy a padded jacket
When it comes to outerwear in Germany, it must make you appear at least a size bigger than you really are. Due to the German's obsession with being prepared for all weather conditions possible (because clearly there is a chance of a snowstorm in early September,) padded items are verpflichtend (mandatory) at all times. As it gets colder, Germans progress through their padded repertoire- from a Jack Jones gilet, to a padded short jacket, all the way through to an ankle length puffa jacket which makes you look like a human sleeping bag.
For the boys, a Jack Jones gilet is probably the best starting point to ease yourself into the padded look. For women, the coat must also have a belt around the waist, to ensure that despite looking like a sleeping bag, you can still show off that figure you've spent hours playing various sports to achieve.
2. Wear trainers with every outfit, for every occasion
Because you need to be prepared for any eventuality that could happen in your new German life, it's best to wear some sensible footwear. I.e trainers. The more hideous, the better. Think the sort of trainers you used to wear for PE at school. And combine them with any outfit. Go out to a club wearing them, the no trainers rule certainly doesn't apply here.
If you really can't bear to part with your fashionable side, fear not. Converse are here for you. I swear every German person owns a pair of Converse. About 60% of the nation seems to be wearing them at any given time. I purchased a purple pair before moving here to germanify myself. Turns out they're a bit too bright to convince people I am really deutsch.
3.Never go out with bare legs, not even when its 30 degrees outside
Germans love the sun. They flock all over the Mediterranean (predominantly to Majorca) every summer to annoy mildly-racist British tourists with their sunbed-saving ways. But when the sun comes out in their own beautiful country, do they go outside wearing a floaty dress and sandals or, god forbid, a skirt? Oh no. They will sit in the park, still wearing jeans and boots (we'll come onto boots later) and a scarf, sitting on the coat they brought just incase thr temperature plummets 20 degrees. Go out wearing no tights in Germany and prepare for the biggest stares of your life. On a night out, do not expect to see girls wearing skirts and tops that barely cover their modesty, teamed with heels they can't walk in. A German woman's idea of dressing up is jeans, a nice top and another pair of boots.
4. Wear a scarf and boots all year round
If there is one item that will instantly make you appear more Germanic, its definitely ein Schal (scarf.) Preferably a long one you can loop around your neck a few times in a neutral colour. Germans love scarves. It wouldn't surprise me if shops specifically dedicated to scarves exist here. There's a shop in Cologne that sells only umbrellas- nothing will shock me anymore
5.Buy a pair of boots as though you're buying a car
When you think of German exports, what first comes to mind? Cars, electrical products, Dr Oetker pizzas? Oh no. If Germans can make anything well, its most definitely a pair of boots. The amount of shoe shops here is staggering. You can even purchase a pair of boots on your way to catch your train at Koln Hauptbahnhof.
6.Never even consider cutting your hair
Germans love a good full head of hair. Perhaps it's because it can double up as a scarf when the unthinkable happens. Having chin-length hair, I can never pass myself off as a true German.
7.Have a svelte figure despite having a cuisine based around bread and sausage
I don't know whether it has anything to do with their genes, but the majority of Germans seem to be slim. At least in comparison to British people. But whilst you're enjoying your new diet of bread, cheese and meat, followed by more bread, cheese and meat and a little bit of chocolate and sausage thrown in for good measure, you'll need to think of a way to stay looking slim and healthy- exercise.
I'd say every single German I have met here does some form of exercise or sport. So purchase that gym membership or get yourself to a pilates class led by a petrifying Brazilian/German woman. That's what I do, not that it's working.
8. Always jeans, for every occasion
If anybody can do smart/casual, its the Germans. They can make a jean look appropriate for any occasion, from a Sunday walk (because its the only thing to do on a Sunday) to a posh dinner party. Even my normally jean-phobic self has been wearing them more and more here, although my pairs are pink and green. You can take the girl out of Britain...
9. Beanies for girls, hipster glasses for boys
If you would describe yourself as 'edgy,' 'hip' or 'alternative,' forget about individuality here in Germany. Even hipsters here have a uniform. Girls wear beanie hats, even inside at sweaty gigs. And for the boys, a pair of oversized glasses is your key item to distinguish yourself as a bit 'edgy.' Imagine the awkward moment when I went to an Admiral Fallow gig wearing my slightly hipster-like glasses and with an undercut. I pretty much looked like a transsexual in the hipster world.
And finally....
10. Expect to be stared at, whatever you are wearing
The Germans are a starey bunch of Leute. I thought this was just an untrue stereotype. It is not. I get stared at on the Bahn, in the supermarket, around Cologne on a daily basis. But I try to look on the bright side. I just think they're admiring my glaringly obvious British style. After all, how many German fashion houses can you think of?
Next time, its Part 2 of How to be German: Body language
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